I puked a lego.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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