they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
