Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
