I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
