I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
