Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
