Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she told me i tasted like america
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
