You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
