dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
