I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My balls are so social today.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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