she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
