I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
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She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Come on in and take your pants off
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