dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
