oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
