dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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