I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
