Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
