I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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