shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
