I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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