My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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