I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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