I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
