The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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