dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
