Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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