I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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