Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
