do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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