the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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