DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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