She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
