you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
