Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
