i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
