i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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