my room smells like sperm. sweet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
