Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My penis needs a shock collar
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
