My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Panties = found
Randomize
