I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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