Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
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it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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