remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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