I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
