Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
