just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
