just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
