I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
