Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
