sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
