the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
