There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.