naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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