I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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