You're so nebulous sometimes
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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