i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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