you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
