he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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