Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
