I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So much rum. So many feels.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize